FUBU-S is so effective, the Food and Drug Administration was considering approving it for use in the Witness Protection Program. That plan has been delayed indefinitely, however, as serious questions about the miracle drug's effects on women were raised this week when Catwoman had to be admitted to Gotham City's Arkham Asylum for psychiatric evaluation.
"We can only assume that Catwoman was trying to escape her checkered past as a a jewel thief and get a fresh start," Commissioner Gordon told the press. "Before acquiring the Undercover Brother formula, she had her name legally changed from Selina Kyle to Patience Price, and set up residence in Lake City. But after taking the drug, her mental state apparently began to deteriorate rapidly. She changed her name again, this time to Patience Phillips, and in defiance of all logic, took up the Catwoman persona again."
Catwoman's counselor, Dr. Harleen Quinzel, explained that the first indication she had of her patient's psychosis was the costume she had on when she arrived at Arkham Asylum. "It's tragic, really," stated Dr. Quinzel in a taped interview. "When they dragged her into my office, she was wearing the worst vigilante costume in history. It was obvious she was aiming for cheesecake, but had only managed cheesiness."
But the worst was still to come.
"After I instructed the guards to remove her handcuffs and leave us alone, she immediately began to prance around the room, hissing, meowing, clawing at the air, pouncing on my furniture... it was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever seen, and coming from someone who works with Gotham City's criminally insane, that's saying a lot. She was trying so hard to exude sexuality while wearing that hideous outfit, she had no dignity left whatsoever."
Scientists at Banner Labs, the company that produces FUBU-S, were quick to point out the bright side of Catwoman's incarceration. "She'll make an excellent test subject," commented Barbara Morse. "Her sacrifice will help us explore how the drug reacts to the physiology of someone who lacks a Y-chromosome."
No one at Banner Labs or its parent company SHAFT, Inc. seems concerned about the delay of FDA approval, a necessary step in getting FUBU-S legitimized for sale in American pharmacies, as opposed to the illegal distribution network that is currently being utilized.
"Drugs are never as profitable once they become decriminalized" explained Wilson Fisk, New York City's former Kingpin of Crime, who now makes his fortune importing FUBU-S from Wakanda and distributing it in the U.S. "At SHAFT, Inc. we're happy to do our part in sustaining the world economy. The international banking systems and investment markets depend on profits from the drug trade. The Undercover Brother Serum is our contribution to the global cash flow."
Interestingly, one of Catwoman's fellow inmates was originally confined to Arkham Asylum for similar reasons. Harvey Dent, former Gotham City District Attorney, was driven criminally insane after being unwittingly used as a test subject for Luthor Corp's "UltraWhite" serum, a formula designed to bleach the ethnicity out of the DNA of anyone injected with it. Dent now terrorizes Gotham City as the villain Two-Face whenever he manages to check himself out of Arkham.
Mixed-race SHAFT Agent Eric Brooks, born half African-American, half vampire, recently discussed his usage of FUBU-S on "The Ocho," ESPN 8. Better known to fans as Blade the Vampire Hunter, Eric fights a war on two fronts, battling both the armies of the undead and his own vampiric nature on a daily basis. He admits that it is increasingly difficult for him to resist the vampire half of his heritage, so he takes the Undercover Brother Serum on a regular basis to boost his blackness and avoid succumbing to his bloodsucking tendencies. When announcer Cotton McKnight pointed out that FUBU-S is quickly becoming the "new steroids" for white athletes who take it to enhance their performance, Blade replied, "What do you expect? White men can't jump."
Catwoman, before the incident (File Photo, 1992)
"Losing the leather catsuit took a lot of the fight out of her," Quinzel explained. "She immediately quit sneering and snarling at the staff, and we later noticed other striking behavioral changes."
