Tuesday, August 20, 2002

Auto Industry Fights Back Against SUV Hunters
Equips Gas Guzzlers with Machine Guns, Grenade Launchers

Until recently, the only thing that "Big Game SUV Hunters" had to worry about was getting busted for misdemeanor vandalism. Now some are beginning to fear for their lives.

If you aren't familiar with SUV hunting, this sport involves stalking mindless American consumers in their natural habitat (the parking lots of malls and shopping centers, primarily) and attaching an unwanted bumper sticker to their status symbol. While satisfying to the hunter, the message on the stickers is probably lost on most of the drivers who receive them:

In an effort to defend every American's right to drive a gas-guzzling behemoth and contribute to global warming, sport utility vehicle manufacturers are now empowering hordes of suburban drones to enhance the quality of their road rage tantrums. Extra features are also available, like armor plating that can stop a 7.62 mm armor-piercing bullet. Another option includes protection against gas or biological attack, good for three to four hours. A completely tricked-out SUV costs 500,000 dollars, weighs 11,000 pounds, and gets single-digit gas mileage.

These bloated monstrosities make easier targets for the SUV Hunters, but better-defended ones as well.

Curiosity got the better of us, so we sent a pair of SHAFT agents -- wired for sound -- to a local dealership to scope things out. The salesman was extremely helpful.

"The weapons platform is fully automated with laser sighting that can be operated from the passenger seat — or the back seat if preferred — using a joystick and a computer screen," he informed our spies. "A standard configuration can hold a .50-caliber machine gun in several barrel lengths and a 40 mm grenade launcher."

"But we can configure our Cobra and Viper platforms to mount your existing weapons," he added. "Guns are fully stabilized, meaning bumps in the road won't affect accuracy. When activated, the weapons system rises through the sunroof and is ready to fire in less than 10 seconds."

"You have to decide on a sensor package," the salesman explained. "These have day-night cameras and laser-range finders or thermal cam. If you use something like a .50-caliber weapon, you need a ballistic solution like the laser to designate a range."

Looking for a silver lining, one of our agents commented that the vehicles could prove useful whenever the citizens of America decide to revolt and launch an attack on our oppressors in Washington, DC. But the salesman, running his hand across the grenade launcher, insisted that the cars are designed for protection, not for attack.

"Everything we do is defensive in nature," he said. "We make nothing offensive in nature."

For those interested in shopping online, the new standard SUV options can be viewed here.

Wednesday, August 21, 2002 Rocky Legal Battle Brewing On June 28, Benjamin Jacob Grimm, the Fantastic Four member known simply as the Thing, announced to The Miami Herald that he is Jewish. Earlier this week, New York attorney Matt Murdock declined to serve as legal counsel for the FF after they announced their intention to file lawsuits against the Hulk and the Yancy Street Gang for their physical attacks on the Thing, which Reed Richards now characterizes as "hate crimes."

"Look," said Murdock, "I know you guys are strapped for cash, but come on."

Monday, August 26, 2002

WHEN LEGION OF TERROR STORMTROOPERS ATTACK!

On August 22, President Evil 2's Henchman attacked American civilians in Portland, Oregon, who were gathered to protest his foreign policy (bombing poverty-stricken villagers in the Middle East), environmental initiatives (cutting down trees to protect them from forest fires), and his master plan to invade Iraq. The armor-clad minions of terror assaulted their victims with clubs, doused them with pepper spray, and shot them with rubber bullets. The Arch-Supervillain was in Portland to raise money to keep local warlord Gordon Smith in power.

Click here for more pictures and details.

Wednesday, September 04, 2002

FOR SALE: USED WITCHBLADE

An indispensable fashion accessory for confronting insurmountable evil... For ladies only!

This stylish gauntlet was assumed to be lost forever until it was discovered yesterday at an alcohol rehab clinic in New York City. After placing it on loan with the NYPD for the past 2 years, owner Ted Turner has reclaimed the artifact and will be putting it up for bid on eBay. He describes it as "an intelligent, symbiotic weapon of incredible power," and "a living gauntlet that becomes one with its wearer."

NYPD detectives who used the item to solve crimes described the Witchblade program as a success, and were disappointed to learn of its cancellation.

Dr. Strange is expected to be the high bidder for the Witchblade. "Oh yeah!" exclaimed one of Strange's friends. "He's always looking for more wicked shit to put in his Sanctum Sanctorum."

Friday, September 13, 2002

A Message from SHAFT to the DEA: Go Fuck Yourself! Yahoo! News - City Officials to Hand Out Marijuana

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. (Reuters) - Santa Cruz city leaders plan to take part in a public pot giveaway next week to protest a recent federal raid of a medicinal marijuana cooperative that served mostly terminally ill members.

City Councilman Ed Porter said on Thursday he wants to show solidarity with residents in the beach community located some 70 miles south of San Francisco who are outraged at the federal raid last week that occurred without the support or knowledge of local officials.

Federal agents also arrested the cooperative's owners Michael and Valerie Corral, who were instrumental in drafting the trailblazing 1996 California law that allowed patients and their care-givers to grow marijuana for their own medicine.

"Terminally ill people are being denied the use of marijuana even though they have prescriptions because the Feds came in here and make a bust," Porter said. "I wouldn't be surprised if most of the city council participates because the whole community is up in arms about this."

The event, which is not sponsored by the city, is expected to take place outside City Hall on Tuesday. Those wishing to pick up marijuana will need to show a prescription for the drug which is legal in California for medical use, Porter said.

Richard Meyer, a spokesman for the Drug Enforcement Administration, said he was "appalled" by the plan but declined to detail whether federal agents would be at the event to make arrests.

"We are in shock, we are appalled and dismayed that elected officials would flaunt a federal law that way," Meyer said. "To us it is saying in Santa Cruz you are only entitled to obey the laws you agree with."

California is one of nine U.S. states where voters have passed laws allowing doctors to prescribe marijuana to patients suffering from illnesses ranging from AIDS and cancer to glaucoma and multiple sclerosis.

Federal law enforcement authorities, however, have taken a far more severe view of medical marijuana than their local counterparts in the nation's most populous state and have recently been cracking down on the patient clubs.

The U.S. medical marijuana movement, which gained strength in California during the height of the AIDS epidemic, also received a setback in 2001 when the U.S. Supreme Court unanimously upheld the federal ban on marijuana.

But California's own state Supreme Court recently took an opposite tack, ruling for the first time that ailing Californians who use or grow marijuana with a physician's approval cannot be prosecuted in state courts -- currently the venue for most marijuana cases.

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Jesus H. Christ you have to love the hypocrisy of the federal government! They bust people for using and providing medical marijuana in a state where it is legal, and then act appalled at the city's response because it means "in Santa Cruz you are only entitled to obey the laws you agree with." God damn that's obtuse!

We can't lavish enough praise on the city leaders of Santa Cruz. It's about time the intelligent people in this country stop taking shit from Neanderthals like the Drug Enforcement Agency.

Remember: The DEA is just another division of President Evil 2's "Legion of Terror" Stormtroopers.

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

Robert Anton Wilson, right, who says he suffers from post polio syndrome, receives marijuana from Jeremy Griffey, left, and Kathy Nicholson, second from left, both with the Wo/Men's Alliance for Medical Marijuana, at City Hall in Santa Cruz, Calif., Tuesday, Sept. 17, 2002. Calling Santa Cruz a "sanctuary" from federal authorities, medical marijuana advocates joined by city leaders passed out pot to about a dozen sick and dying patients from City Hall Tuesday. (AP Photo/Mike Fiala)

Sunday, September 29, 2002

When "Legion of Terror" Stormtroopers Attack 2:
DC Police Crack Down on Anti-Capitalist Protests

Two Washington D.C. policemen sandwich a girl between their batons as police rush a group of anti-globalization protesters September 27, 2002. The group was surrounded and then placed under arrest. Police arrested more than 300 protesters, thwarting their attempts to blockade city traffic during a Group of Seven meeting. (Kevin Lamarque/Reuters)

A Washington D.C. police officer hauls a female commuter off her bicycle and drags her along the street early September 27, 2002. The cyclist accidentally turned into a street occupied by IMF protesters. At right, her boyfriend pleads with the officer to release her. (Kevin Lamarque/Reuters)

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