SHAFT NewsWire

December 2004 Archive
"DAILY SHOW" HOST CHOSEN AS THE NEW GREEN LANTERN

THE PLANET OA, December 5 -- In a surprising turn of events, the Guardians of the Universe, founders of the galaxy's Green Lantern Corps, have named Jon Stewart, host of Comedy Central's "The Daily Show," the new Green Lantern of Earth. 

The last man to hold that title was an African-American architect named, not coincidentally, John Stewart. 

The Guardians -- short blue aliens with white hair who reside on the planet Oa -- explained their decision in a galactic news conference on Sunday.

"For years, Hal Jordan served admirably as the Green Lantern assigned to patrol Space Sector 2814, where his homeworld, Earth, is located. However, we always choose an alternate Green Lantern for each sector in case the primary one becomes incapacitated."
"Hal Jordan was instructed to seek out Jon Stewart, issue him a power ring, and train him as his replacement should the need arise. Jordan enlisted this 'John Stewart' fellow by mistake. And although his job performance has been adequate, we felt it was time to correct the error."

Members of the Green Lantern Corps are chosen for their bravery, boldness, willpower, intelligence, and creativity. Recently the Guardians realized that the wrong man had been tapped to replace the deceased Hal Jordan while they were monitoring Earth's televised news broadcasts. Witnessing the brilliant and fearless Jon Stewart in action, defending America from the partisan hacks and spineless media whores that pass for journalists in the 21st century, the Guardians decided to summon him to Oa.

Asked to describe his meeting with the Guardians, Stewart responded, "The little blue guys? You know what, they all look like Papa Smurf. At first I thought they were granting me superpowers so I could save them from Gargamel." 

Although looking forward to his "new gig as a superhero," Jon Stewart assured his fans that it would not prevent him from continuing to host "The Daily Show." 

"Come on," insisted Stewart, "If Clark Kent can save the world every day as Superman and still keep up his career as a real journalist, how hard could it be for me to patrol the solar system and still be a fake journalist? What? Superman's identity is supposed to be a secret? Oops, my bad. Sorry about that, Kal-El."

Back on Earth, the reaction among the metahuman community has been mixed. Sources inside the Watchtower say that the Justice League had been expecting a shakeup in the Green Lantern Corps, but were assuming the Earth assignment would go to the newly-reborn Hal Jordan. When asked about the possibility of Jordan being reinstated in the GLC, one Guardian replied, "That mass-murdering psycho? Are you fucking kidding me?"

Meanwhile, John Stewart, the former GL of Earth, denies being bitter about his termination. According to friends he is planning on taking it easy for awhile, then applying at the SHAFT Agency once his unemployment checks run out. 
A rare photo of the elusive SHIELD Strike Team. From left: Agents Ronnie Gardocki, Curtis Lemansky, Shane Vendrell, and Benjamin Grimm.
9/11 COMMISSION CLEARS SHIELD STRIKE TEAM

NEW YORK, December 1 -- Despite mounting evidence of the SHIELD Agency's colossal intelligence failures, the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States has cleared it of any complicity in the events of September 11, 2001. All charges against the controversial SHIELD Strike Team have been dropped.  

A conspiracy theory about the team's involvement in the terror attacks was recently serialized in the "Get Shafted!" webcomic.

The unit, accused of insider trading to profit from the 9/11 attacks and suspected of being key players in an official government cover-up, has returned to active duty. 
When asked about the anthrax that investigators found in his desk, SHIELD Agent Shane Vendrell insisted it was "for personal use only."
FAMILY OF SHIELD WHISTLEBLOWER
KILLED IN HIT-AND-RUN

WASHINGTON DC, December 1 -- The wife and son of SHIELD Agent Frank Castle died Saturday after being struck and repeatedly run over by an SUV driven by President Bush.

Frank Castle, the SHIELD Agent who put his life and career on the line to present evidence of government malfeasance to the 9/11 Commission only to have it completely ignored, was shot by Dick Cheney and left for dead, but managed to survive.

The trouble started when the Castles' home was invaded by the SHIELD Strike Team. Frank stayed behind to keep the attackers occupied while his family fled. By the time he caught up to them, it was too late.

Castle blames the death of his wife, Maria, and his son, Will, on President Bush, whom he witnessed speeding away from the scene of the crime and laughing maniacally. King Juan Carlos of Spain was in the passenger seat.

A White House spokesman explained that Bush was entertaining the foreign dignitary the way he always does: taking him on a joyride in his SUV. Furthermore, he insisted that the President should not be held accountable for his actions, since he was under the influence of massive quantities of alcohol and cocaine at the time.

Denied justice, Frank Castle has resigned from SHIELD to launch a one-man war against the country's most notorious organized crime family (the Bush Dynasty) and its vast criminal empire (the federal government) as The Punisher.

"He's decided to settle the matter out of court," responded Castle's attorney, Matt Murdock, when asked to comment on his client's new course of action.

According to the Watcher, an alien observer who studies an infinite number of parallel-universe Earths from his home on the moon, this is a typical fate for Frank Castle.

"It doesn't seem to matter what career he pursues -- soldier, police officer, federal agent -- he always loses his family to violent thugs and becomes a heavily-armed vigilante. The guy just can't catch a break."

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