|
|
|
Top Stories
Collected by the SHAFT Communications Office - March 2005 Archive |
|
 |
| The Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs speaks at a Pentagon press briefing on the
Wakandan threat. |
|
WHITE HOUSE DENIES
USE OF RACIAL SLUR
WASHINGTON DC, March 1 --
Accusations leveled against the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of
Staff concerning comments he allegedly made at a National Security Council meeting last month have ignited a
firestorm of controversy in the Capitol. In an article about the
Bush Administration's plans for the African nation of Wakanda, the
Chairman is quoted as asking, "Where do a bunch of jungle
bunnies get off telling us they've got a No Fly zone over their
thatched hut?"
A White House spokesman vehemently
denied that the Chairman has ever used that racial epithet while
acting in an official capacity, "especially not in front of the
Secretary of State."
|
| "This
is the 21st century. Racism has been eradicated, especially in the
upper echelons of power in the U.S. government and armed forces. To
claim that a four-star general would insult the citizens of Wakanda
by referring to them as 'jungle bunnies' is
preposterous." |
| White House
officials, however, did not deny that plans are on the table to
destabilize Wakanda if necessary in order to secure access to its
natural resources and superior technology for the sake of American
economic interests. Instead, they simply changed the topic of
discussion back to the alleged ethnic slur, insisting that
"some of the Chairman's best friends are black."
But the charges of inherent racism
in America's imperialistic foreign policy did not go away, so an
effort was made to shift the public's attention to the witch hunt
already in progress to discover who leaked the Chairman's faux pas
to the press. |
 |
|
U.S. State
Department analyst Everett K. Ross. |
|
| Investigators
followed the trail to the office of Everett K. Ross, the former U.S.
State Department liaison to Wakanda's monarch, King T'Challa. Ross
had been summoned to the Security Council meeting in order to
provide detailed intelligence on Wakandan history and political
posture. Insiders claimed that Ross was exasperated by the
Chairman's dismissive attitude toward Wakanda's capabilities, and
decided to embarrass him publicly with some of the details of the
meeting. Ross was later kidnapped by a mysterious supervillain
seeking to usurp the Wakandan throne, which is apparently an
occupational hazard for the young Washington lawyer. |
|
|
| Hollywood
heavyweight Reginald Hudlin bails out of another insipid White
House press conference. |
|
With Ross
unavailable for comment, Republican bloggers began to speculate that
the entire incident was fabricated by the White House correspondent
who initially broke the story: Reginald Hudlin. A background check
on Hudlin quickly revealed that his press credentials were totally
bogus. Though he had been passing himself off as a journalist for
quite some time, Hudlin is in actuality a Hollywood screenwriter and
movie director, responsible for such films as "House
Party" and "Boomerang."
Further investigation revealed that
Hudlin is a reserve SHAFT agent who had been planted in the White
House Press Corps to make the President look bad by asking him
thoughtful and intelligent questions. |
| Fox News
pundit Bill O'Reilly immediately declared the incident to be
irrefutable evidence of the liberal, Hollywood-funded media elite
that are out to get him. Less paranoid commentators simply expressed
relief that Hudlin had not turned out to be a gay male prostitute,
because "if another one of those turned up in the White House
Press Room, news correspondence might begin to lose
credibility." |
|
|
|
|
 |
| “This
notion that the United states is getting ready to attack Wakanda is simply
ridiculous. Why would we invade Wakanda twice? Wakanda is not Iraq. Having said
that, all options are on the table.” |
|
EYE ON WAKANDA
Wakanda, a small country in Central
Africa that has spent most of its existence shrouded in secrecy, first
came to the attention of the United States at the end of the 20th century
when it was discovered that the Wakandans possess both highly advanced
technology and the majority of the world's Vibranium supply. Already
having put down an attempted coup by the CIA in 2002 and repelled an
invasion of US forces in 2003, the isolationist nation found itself in the
global spotlight again in 2005 when Halliburton discovered that it
contains a large number of untapped oil deposits, renewing the Bush
Administration's interest in the region. Wakanda's
King T'Challa, better known in the tribal and superhero communities as the
Black Panther, appeared before the United Nations General Assembly this
week to offer an
Emergency Aid Package to the United States, which he described as an
underdeveloped country whose archaic dependence on oil represents one of
the greatest threats to world peace and international security. |
 |
| "Wakanda
is a friend to the people of America. Our demands are directed only
at the regime that enslaves them and threatens us. When these
demands are met, the first and greatest benefit will come to
American men, women and children." |
|
|
The Wakandan Design Group (manufacturers of
the Avengers' Quinjets) then presented the
UN Assembly with its proposal to allocate hundreds of billions of dollars
to converting America's infrastructure to a variety of alternative energy
sources, such as solar and hydrogen power. "In addition to curbing
the US government's expansionist tendencies by getting the petroleum
monkey off its back, the end result of the Wakandan project would be to
make the US economic and energy policies far more ecologically friendly, a
win-win situation for the Earth's population, which currently lives in the
shadow of America's insatiable greed, gluttony, and barbarism."
|
|
FUNERAL SERVICES HELD FOR THOR
Norway Declares Ragnarok a National Holiday
in His Honor
ASGARD, March 2 -- Thor, the Norse
god of thunder, was laid to rest today in Valhalla. He died on Monday at
the Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City, finally succumbing to the venom
of the Midgard Serpent after spending weeks lying comatose in the ICU
ward.
Attendance at the funeral was sparse,
with a noticeably low turnout among the superhero community, which has
grown increasingly cynical about the purported longevity of death. The
eulogy was delivered by Beta Ray Bill, who urged mourners to recall their
happy memories of Thor, such as all the times he was transformed into a
frog.
(See also: Thor's
final battle)
|
 |
| Remembering the good
times: Hulk and Thor run out of beer at the weekly backyard
barbecue behind Avengers Mansion. |
|
| News
Photos |
 |
| Above: An Avengers
Quinjet takes off from Neverland Ranch. "I'm going to nuke the
site from orbit," announced Captain America shortly after
liftoff. "It's the only way to be sure." After being
informed by Iron Man that the property is worth 13.5 million
dollars, Cap replied, "They can bill me." (AP photo) |
|
| Television |
 |
Fear
Factor: Series/Game Shows, 60 Mins.
"Adventures Into Fear",
Episode #533.
Contestants are stranded in the middle of the Florida Everglades and
must get past a macabre swamp monster to reach the Nexus of All
Realities. |
|
|