Top Stories Collected by the SHAFT Communications Office - May 2005 Archive
SPIDER-MAN CARTOON ACCUSED OF PROMOTING ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE

COLORADO SPRINGS, May 4 -- Spider-Man & His Ultimate Friends, the Cartoon Network hit based on the lives and times of the web-slinger and his college roommates Iceman and Firestar (news), has come under attack by Focus on the Family, a Christian organization led by Dr. James C. Dobson.

Speaking at a formal dinner for members of Congress and political allies, Dobson criticized a recent episode of the popular kids show in which the Kingpin takes the Undercover Brother Serum (link) and is transformed from a white collar criminal into a black power broker. 

"Their agenda is to promote tolerance of racial diversity and trans-ethnicity," announced Dobson. "This cartoon is a thinly veiled attempt to recruit children into a hip-hop anarchist lifestyle. Exposing children to material of this sort is immoral and must be stopped before America's white youth is brainwashed into believing that being black is acceptable."

Above: Peter Parker shows Daily Bugle publisher 
J. Jonah Jameson photographic evidence that John Jameson is Spider-Man. Below: File photos of John Jameson and his alter-ego, the Man-Wolf.  

EDITORIAL POLICY CHANGES DRASTICALLY AT THE DAILY BUGLE

NEW YORK, May 3 -- In the aftermath of the Daily Bugle's five million dollar contest to expose Spider-Man's secret identity, no circulation-boosting revelations have been forthcoming, and even stranger, the newspaper's coverage of the wall-crawler has made a 180 degree turn, inexplicably switching from bashing the web-head to publishing glowing editorials about his selfless dedication to protecting the city.

The Daily Bugle's publisher J. Jonah Jameson declined to comment on why he withheld information about Spider-Man from the public, leaving many to speculate that Jameson's reasons for the decision were personal. 

Mark Millar, conspiracy theorist and co-author of The Ultimate Plan, was able to confirm these speculations after receiving a tip from an anonymous source within the Bugle. Millar is currently on a book-signing tour to promote his latest book Venomous (which details Corporate America's role in contracting supervillains to keep superheroes too busy to overthrow the ruling class), and has been generating publicity by revealing the truth about Spider-Man's secret identity to assembled curiosity seekers. 

Millar claims that Daily Bugle freelance photographer Peter Parker provided Jameson with irrefutable photographic proof that his son John Jameson is secretly Spider-Man, leaving the publisher with no choice but to protect the web-slinger's privacy.
John Jameson, a former NASA astronaut whose lucky moon rock transformed him into the Man-Wolf for years until it finally crumbled to dust, has been seen on numerous occasions alternately battling with and getting rescued by Spider-Man, making Millar's theory patently ridiculous. Even more unbelievable is the thought that John's father, a seasoned journalist and newspaper editor, could be convinced of such an absurd notion about his own son. 

When confronted with Millar's inside information, Jameson admitted that he had indeed seen the photos and accepted Parker's story. "Okay, maybe I've seen John and Spider-Man together in the same place at the same time with my own eyes a million times. Or maybe I haven't. I can't really remember, 'cause honestly I'm just a senile old fart who's financed more supervillains over the years than Norman Osborn."
SO WHO IS THE MOLE INSIDE THE BUGLE?

Could it be Editor-in-Chief Robbie Robertson (left)? In their younger days, Robertson and Captain Stacy (center) were good friends, and when they got together, Spider-Man was their favorite topic of conversation. Before his death at the hands of a rogue Spider-Clone (right), Captain Stacy told Robbie that he had figured out Spidey's secret identity. But it's doubtful either of them ever thought Spider-Man and Man-Wolf might be the same person.
TRAGEDY AT THE BUGLE
The Daily Bugle staff has been mourning the loss of one of their own since investigative reporter Terri Kidder was murdered while researching the mysterious disappearance of a number of  Oscorp employees. It has been determined that Terri met her untimely death in the middle of interviewing Oscorp founder and CEO Norman Osborn, who cut the interview short in order to change into his Green Goblin costume, strangle Terri, and dump her body in Central Park. 
Kidder had recently left a major metropolitan newspaper to move to New York and work at the Bugle, leaving behind her long-time friend and colleague Ethan Edwards. The police detective who initially identified Terri's body from her driver's license was quoted by witnesses as saying, "Look who it is... Aw man, this going to be a nightmare." The detective has declined to explain his cryptic comment, but Bugle reporters have since discovered that Terri had a superhuman protector back home, and theorize that the detective was dreading his inevitable journey to New York in search of revenge. Although no avenging angel has descended on Manhattan as of yet, it is worth noting that reporter Ethan Edwards was recently hired by the Daily Bugle and paired with photographer Peter Parker to do a story on Spider-Man, whom Bugle publisher J. Jonah Jameson now describes as "the unsung hero... of the long underwear set."
BACK FROM CANADA  When President Evil: Apocalypse seized control of the free world again in November 2004, SHAFT agents decided to make a run for the border, eventually regrouping in the Canadian wilderness (news). They have since returned stateside to take hot showers, watch cable television, and eat fast food. "In hindsight," says Spider-Man, "it was a mistake to put the native Canadian of the group in charge of finding us a place to stay. He never told us that Canada has hotels and restaurants and stuff."
Far left: Peter Parker, still sporting the beard he grew in the wilds of Canada, describes his experience as SHAFT's embedded journalist at a National Press Club Meeting. "It's a relief to finally be home. Camping in the ice and snow just isn't my thing. And although I really appreciate Wolverine catching all our food for us, I'm still working through the trauma of having to huddle up against his hairy mutant body at night for warmth."
Top middle: Upon his return to New York, Spider-Man discovered that J. Jonah Jameson had spider-proofed the outside of the Daily Bugle building while he was gone.
Far right: Spidey's cool reception didn't last long, however, and now that Jameson has had a change of heart and started publishing positive stories about him in the Bugle, he is beloved by children everywhere. 

Seeking better leadership, AIM scientists cloned Einstein's head this week and are seen here delivering it to their cybernetics lab, where it will be installed in the new Ultimate MODOK exoskeleton.
SECURITY INCREASED 
AT NATION'S MALLS

INDIANAPOLIS, May 2 -- In response to the country's long-standing Elevated (or "Significant") risk of terrorist attacks, rent-a-cops at shopping malls nationwide are being equipped with civilian versions of the Rumsfeld Armor that was issued to U.S. soldiers in Iraq last month.

"The Bush Administration has been warning us about the increased risk of terrorist attacks ever since September 11, 2001," explained a Mall Trooper in Indiana. "That means we're almost four years overdue! I expect shit to start blowing up any minute now."

OSCORP LICENSES GREEN GOBLIN IMAGE FOR TODDLER TOYS

NEW YORK, May 1 -- Thanks to a new licensing deal between Oscorp and Toy Biz, preschoolers will soon be able to play with toys based on the likeness of the Green Goblin, the psychotic alter ego of Oscorp founder Norman Osborn. The Green Goblin action figure comes complete with a razorbat glider and an arsenal of lethal pumpkin bombs, allowing toddlers to reenact the gruesome massacre of Oscorp's Board of Directors.

"I want the American public to remember my father as cute and cuddly, not as a homicidal maniac," explained Harry Osborn, who has run Oscorp since the death of his father Norman at the hands of Spider-Man.

Green Goblin

Harry Osborn
Toy Biz will also be producing action figures, aimed at children ages 3-5, of Stark International's IronTech Armor and the Lizard, the terrifying reptilian creature that Empire State University professor Dr. Curt Connors occasionally transforms into ever since he began conducting biological experiments on himself. "Obviously I did it for the money," explained Connors. "ESU is always cutting my funding, and I have to make ends meet somehow. My arm isn't going to regenerate itself."

"NEW ULTIMATES" TEAM ASSEMBLED BY S.H.I.E.L.D.

WASHINGTON DC, April 28 -- The SHIELD Directorate of the Department of Homeland Security unveiled the latest incarnation of its Superhuman Defense Initiative (SDI) today in a ceremony presided over by the leader of Ultimate Masters of Evil, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.
It was the public's first look at The New Ultimates, the first government-sponsored superteam since the original Ultimates defected from SHIELD to become SHAFT's premier resistance cell, the Avengers. Having Earth's Mightiest Heroes take a stand against American imperialism was a public relations nightmare for the Bush Administration, which is hoping that The New Ultimates will give them a much-needed image boost.
The New Ultimates are under the command of an updated model of white Nick Fury LMD (Life Model Decoy) developed by SHIELD especially for the SDI program.

The first person recruited for the new team was Ultimate Anti-Cap, a Super Sailor created by the Office of Naval Intelligence. As a teenager, he volunteered for the Navy's top secret project after losing his girlfriend in the Oklahoma City bombing. The ONI obviously has not worked out all the flaws in the Super Sailor Serum, however, as Anti-Cap must wear a patch on his skin for the formula to be constantly delivered to his bloodstream. 

 White Nick Fury LMD
Other recruits for the team include a Spider-Clone and a former bounty hunter named Jessica Drew, a.k.a. Spider-Woman. The Bush Administration initially created an army of spider-clones for the SDI program to replace the original Ultimates team, but the clones were reprogrammed by SHAFT and used to overthrow the U.S. government, after which they were turned over to the United Nations for use as UN Peacekeepers in Washington, D.C. until an interim government could be established. Jessica Drew and her partner Ben Reilly (the Scarlet Spider) had aided government agents with the project, known as Operation Maximum Clonage, until Reilly was beheaded on the White House lawn by SHAFT founder Nick Fury, at which point Drew left the private sector and joined SHIELD full time. Very few of the spider-clones have been accounted for since the U.S. capitol was seized by President Evil: Apocalypse, but Washington insiders claim that many of them are being held in reserve so that The New Ultimates will always have a redundant backup available.
The press conference that revealed The New Ultimates to the world was held the day after the team's first successful mission. Ultimate Anti-Cap, Spider-Clone, and Spider-Woman were dispatched to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, to put down a jailbreak that occurred after Magneto, the leader of the mutant nation of Genosha, broke all of the mutant detainees out of Camp X-Factor.

Disgusted by the conditions inside the U.S. Navy gulag, where hundreds of prisoners have been held for years without trial, legal counsel, or family visits, denied their basic human rights under international law, and subjected to torture and other degrading and inhuman treatment, Magneto decided to take matters into his own hands and liberate his mutant brethren. 

In the ensuing chaos, some of the human detainees, who hail from over 35 different countries, were able to briefly escape from their shackles, handcuffs, masks, and blindfolds to stumble, weak and disoriented, around the Naval Base. 

Although Magneto was long gone by the time they arrived, The New Ultimates were able to quickly and ruthlessly pound the remaining prisoners into submission. U.S. officials in charge of Guantanamo Bay were certain that the troops stationed there could have easily handled the uprising themselves, but did have to admit that the "Government Superheroes Thwart Terrorist Jailbreak" headline looked awfully cool on the front page of the Washington Times.

Rumsfeld commended the superteam on a job well done.

Above: Pro-Magneto graffiti has begun appearing in major cities around the globe.

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