August 2002

Top News Stories Collected by the SHAFT Communications Office

Archive

The magazine is a Sunday insert in over 330 newspapers nationwide and has a circulation of nearly 36 million. This weekend its readers were treated to a glowing endorsement of SHIELD by the FF's Reed and Sue Richards, a.k.a. Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman.

The most prominent of the Ultimates to not join SHAFT (Super Heroes for Anarchy and Free Thought), the Richards cited Family Values as their primary reason for swearing their allegiance to SHIELD.

“The children! Someone must think of the children!” insisted Sue Richards in the interview. “And those SHAFT agents use the f-word like it's a comma.” The FF's matriarch proceeded to describe how her baby brother Johnny Storm, a.k.a. the Human Torch, was only allowed to venture out into the skies over New York City alone if he promised not to play with that horrible Spider-Man (a known SHAFT agent).

For his part, Reed Richards made veiled threats against Nick Fury, insisting that the leader of SHAFT must stop calling his wife a “soccer mom.” 

Despite the Richards' invocation of Family Values, SHAFT agents suspect that the Fantastic Four's loyalty to SHIELD might have more to do with the government bailout they recently received. Shortly before the creation of SHAFT, Reed Richards admitted to Spider-Man that the family was on the verge of bankruptcy because he was running out of patents to sell to finance the FF's operations (There are a lot of travel expenses involved in visiting the Negative Zone). Thanks to the billions of taxpayer dollars thrown their way since then, the Fantastic Four's financial troubles are history. Apparently even superheroes have their price.

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IN OTHER NEWS...

The Legion of Terror is edging closer to achieving its goal of world domination. Under the pretext of "Protecting the Homeland," President Evil 2 and his minions continue the process of converting America into a fascist police state. 

Tension is high in the intelligence community since the defection of the Ultimates and numerous SHIELD agents to SHAFT. These superheroes and former government operatives have been branded a subversive fringe group and a threat to national security.

Since the reorganization of US intelligence agencies, the remaining agents of SHIELD have functioned as the president's secret police and personal security forces. Primarily concerned with the possibility of an attack by SHAFT's Ultimates or mutant terrorists like Magneto, the president has changed the directorate's name from SHIELD to Superhuman Security, or SS.

“I find your lack of faith-based initiatives… disturbing.”

Tired of having to justify US imperialism and military adventurism in the Middle East to prying journalists, US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld demonstrates the power of the dark side by levitating a reporter's souvenir Enron golf ball and propelling it into the reporter's skull, killing him instantly.

"Let that serve as an example," Rumsfeld told the assembled members of the press, all of whom sat silent and motionless, "that the US government doesn't need the so-called 'Ultimates' to defend the Fatherland. I mean, the Homeland. Everything is under control."

SHIELD's Femme Force Still Active 

The untimely defection of Sharon Carter to SHAFT has not broken the spirit of SHIELD's elite women-only unit. Assigned to supplement the president's secret service detail in the event of a superhuman threat to his safety, Femme Force's only complaint is that "it was a lot more fun to guard President Clinton."

Because Ari Fleischer couldn't keep a straight face...

Responding to reports that the "real, white" Nick Fury has been missing since July 16, Legion of Terror spokesperson Condo made the following announcement to the press:

"There is no truth to the rumors that General Fury is missing in action. The fact is, he is serving his country the way he knows best: on an undercover mission."

Right. Undercover. Because he's so... you know... inconspicuous.

S.H.A.F.T. LEADER DEFENDS
WINONA RYDER

"We're talking about one of the most talented actresses in modern cinema," an intoxicated Nick Fury told Iron Man and Thor, whose barhopping had landed them at Josie's Bar & Grill in Hell's Kitchen. "Girl, Interrupted... Reality Bites... Edward Scissorhands... Beetlejuice... Heathers... Now tell me, even if she were guilty of shoplifting -- and I don't believe she is -- who gives a shit? Who are you going to side with, Winona, or Saks Fifth Avenue, a veritable mecca of consumerism that supports the military dictatorship in Burma just like Chevron, UNOCAL, and Halliburton?

"I'm talking about one of the worst human rights offenders on the planet. You're telling me that I should be deprived of future Winona Ryder films so the Establishment can punish her for a trivial transgression against corporate America? That's bullshit!"

"You're preaching to the converted," replied Thor, who was winding down from a long day of protests in Washington, DC. "If the girl is convicted, I say we take Banner down to Saks, show him Betty Ross' credit card bill, and see if the Hulk can do more property damage than Rodney King's supporters." With that, the god of thunder confiscated Iron Man's jet boots, loudly proclaiming that "Friends don't let friends fly drunk."

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LEGION OF TERROR SENDS ANONYMOUS THREATENING
NOTE TO IRAQ

A delegation from Iraq lodged a formal complaint with the United Nations this week after receiving an anonymous note they claim was sent by the Legion of Terror.

According to reports, eyewitnesses spotted a pair of SHIELD agents outside the Saddam Hussein residence and watched as they threw a brick through the Husseins' front window.

"The note was wrapped around the brick," said Saddam. "I will not be intimidated by these American thugs. I know I'll be safe here until their 2004 presidential election campaign begins."

I HAD BIGFOOT'S LOVE CHILD

Left: Hillbilly cyborg finds her soul mate in the Appalachian mountains.

D.E.A. REQUESTS SPACE SHUTTLE

Right: SHAFT has set up hydroponics gardens in its Orbital Headquarters in order to become the world's largest supplier of medicinal marijuana. 

Ultimate Bluntman & Chronic were recruited to distribute it.

After 3 weeks, medical clinics are still reporting that they've received no shipments.