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October 2002 Archive

Top Stories Collected by the SHAFT Communications Office

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE

The Superheroes Formerly Known As The Ultimates Change Their Name to The Avengers to Reflect New Attitude, New Loyalty

Tuesday, October 1, NEW YORK - So what's so wrong with being known as The Ultimates?

"The Ultimates was a government-sponsored team of superheroes recruited by Nick Fury," says new recruit Scarlet Witch. "Back when Nick was still running SHIELD and taking orders from Dubya. I think the guys just wanted to distance themselves from their checkered past." 

Indeed, the original members of the team felt that a new direction and an expanded roster called for a new name.

"The Ultimates operated under SHIELD's authority," explains Captain America. "Since becoming free agents and aligning ourselves with SHAFT, we decided that The Avengers was a more appropriate name for the team."

"Yea, verily," agrees Thor. "The Legion of Terror has committed innumerable egregious crimes against humanity in the names of the citizens of the nations they have conquered. We have much to avenge."
Stark International has issued a commemorative plate to mark the event. Made of a Vibranium-Adamantium alloy, this collector's item carries a lifetime guarantee.

GOVERNOR VENTURA SLAIN BY PREDATOR

Saturday, October 5, MINNEAPOLIS - Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura was killed today in a hunting mishap that left the state of Minnesota in shock.

After holding a press conference in which he vowed to personally track down and kill the extraterrestrial that has been hunting humans for sport in the rural Minnesotan jungle, Gov. Ventura invited former President's Fitness Council Chairman Arnold Schwarzenegger to join him on the expedition. The overjoyed Republican jumped at the chance to wield big guns in the service of his country.

Mr. Schwarzenegger was shocked when his longtime friend, a former pro wrestler and Navy SEAL, fell victim to the advanced alien technology of their prey. Although grief-stricken by the governor's death, Schwarzenegger was able to persevere and defeat the otherworldly predator. 

While no clear photographs of the creature are available, Schwarzenegger got a good look at it before it was vaporized by a nuclear self-destruct device -- the fallout from which is expected to send Minnesota's cancer rate soaring -- and assured journalists that it was "one ugly motherfucker."

TELEVISION

CSI: CENTRAL CITY DEBUTS ON CBS

Moving ahead with its master plan to have a CSI series on its programming schedule every night of the week -- and to license the rights to all of The Who's greatest hits for appropriate theme songs -- CBS has added CSI: Central City to its Saturday night lineup.

The casts of CSI and CSI: Miami

While it is no surprise that the network would continue to cash in on its biggest hit in years, the third CSI drama breaks new ground in its attempt to appeal to the growing metahuman demographic. Setting itself apart from its sister shows CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and CSI: Miami, Central City boasts a lead investigator with superpowers and a secret identity. 

John Wesley Shipp -- an NYPD Blue veteran like Miami's David Caruso and Kim Delaney --  plays Barry Allen, the head of Central City's CSI lab. In the pilot episode, lightning strikes the crime lab, causing Allen to be doused by electrically-charged chemicals. As a result, he is transformed into the fastest man alive, and begins extracurricular crime-fighting activities as The Flash.

Aiding Barry Allen is forensics expert Julio Mendez -- established in the pilot as the cousin of the original CSI's Warrick Brown -- and S.T.A.R. Labs scientist Tina McGee. Central City's criminals will be a different breed than CSI viewers have grown accustomed to, including such characters as The Trickster, Captain Cold, and Mirror Master.

Critics in the superhero community accuse Creative Consultant Wally West of cashing in on his relationship with his deceased mentor, the real Barry Allen, and of cannibalizing Allen's life to create fodder for a prime time crime drama.

Wally West

"No way. This is to honor Barry," insists West. "He gave his life to save the universe when all of the different dimensions started converging, or something. He kept his head in a crisis, but now everyone has forgotten his sacrifice."

"Not only that, but it's starting to look like his effort was all for nothing. I was in a chatroom the other night with this one guy, calls himself uatu616, who claims he gets these migraine headaches from the increasing frequency of intersecting parallel universes."

"He maintains his own conspiracy theory website about all this stuff: People who should never have met, like Frank Castle and Archie Andrews... entire American cities and Middle Eastern countries that don't appear on any maps. It's crazy."

While it could be argued that Internet conspiracy theories are what's crazy, there is no denying that CBS' ratings strategy is perfectly sane. How could the combination of Crime Scene Investigation and Superheroes possibly miss?

 And if you're wondering about the theme song for CSI: Central City, it's "Call Me Lightning" by The Who:

The noose around us is slowly tightening,

I'm gonna show you why they call me lightning.

You can't catch me, I'm as fast as can be,

Call me lightning, I'm as fast as can be,

No you can't catch me, no you can't catch me.

Double Stuf Oreos Found to Cause Obesity in Martians

Nick Fury Recruits Xander Cage, the First Mutant Born with 3 X-Factors

SG-1 Report: An Increasing Number of Stargates Now Open Into Galactus' Stomach

Anne Rice Fan Club Massacred

Headmaster Emma Frost Voted Teacher of the Year... Again

She-Hulk: Dr. Banner's cousin, Jennifer Walters

First Hulk Serum Transfusion Successful
Bush Looks Other Way as Qumar Uses Weapons of Mass Destruction Against Qurac

MOVIES

Ang Lee's Hulk Biopic (more...)

Kevin Costner Is Hawkeye (more...)

Sandra Bullock Returns for Post-Apocalypse Horror

Reprising her 28 Days role as recovering alcoholic Gwen Cummings, Sandra Bullock garners critical acclaim in 28 Days Later as she stumbles through a post-apocalyptic England that's been ravaged by a virus which transforms its victims into mindless zombie killing machines. It would seem that sobriety isn't all it's cracked up to be. 

"Seriously," writes MillarWorld film critic Andy Shaw, "you try to say no to a film where a boozed-up Bullock is hunted down by raging undead monsters, and at the end she learns a valuable lesson about family... Or something."

Rated R for Violence, Language, and Nudity, 28 Days Later at least promises to be a better sequel than the abysmal Another 48 Hours.

THE OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY

Thursday, October 24, EARTH ORBIT - As the President continues to pressure the Senate into passing a bill that would allow him to create a "proposed" Office of Homeland Security, S.H.A.F.T. intelligence reports indicate that the Legion of Terror has already placed a fully operational OHS Star in orbit around the Earth.

"I believe it's important we must create a Department of Homeland Security to prepare America for the permanent duty of defending the homeland," said the President.

But photos taken by S.H.A.F.T. agents indicate that the president's efforts are a smokescreen to hide the fact that Homeland Security is already established.

A shuttle transports prisoners from the OHS Star to the Guantánamo Gulag.
Figure 1
Figure 2
The initial OHS plans that Homeland Security Czar Tom Ridge presented to the Senate depict a spherical space station with a smooth outer hull (see Figure 1). That would imply that the picture above is of an OHS base that is still under construction. 

However, S.H.A.F.T. founder Nicholas Fury has long suspected that those plans are bogus, and his suspicions were confirmed when deep cover agents acquired the authentic blueprints (see Figure 2). The diagrams on these newly uncovered plans show a space station that is intentionally designed to look incomplete.

"It's a trap!" warned S.H.A.F.T. Agent Gabriel Jones, trying to discourage anyone from attempting a pre-emptive assault on the station. "The OHS Star is designed to lull the Resistance into a false sense of security. The Legion of Terror is hoping that the ruse will trick us into attacking the station while it appears defenseless. But such a mission would be suicide, and would only provide the President with the justification he needs to fire the Primary Death Ray at Iraq."

When asked why an attack on the OHS by American-based Resistance forces would incite an attack on Saddam Hussein, Jones replied that "attacking Iraq is the President's answer to every problem."

LEGION OF TERROR MIND CONTROL TRANSMITTER LOCATED

Tuesday, October 29, NEW YORK - S.H.A.F.T. agents have pinpointed the location of the Legion of Terror's transmitting station that broadcasts microwaves specially calibrated to bend the American populace to its will.

The President delivers his Iraq speech with the benefit of microwave-generated credibility.
The mind control system first went online September 11, 2001, and immediately began transforming the incoherent ramblings of the President into intelligent, inspiring speeches in the minds of the public.

"The shock and horror of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center understandably made American citizens more susceptible to suggestibility," explained S.H.A.F.T. scientist Dr. Henry Pym. "As a result, few were able to resist the Legion's mind control technology."

More than a year has passed since the attacks, and the effectiveness of the transmissions has waned.

"Now it only works on the gullible, the delusional, the weak-willed, and the simple-minded," added Dr. Janet Pym, Henry's wife. "Unfortunately, public reaction to the President's nonsensical statements about Iraq indicate that these categories encompass a large part of the population."

A S.H.A.F.T. strike team has already been dispatched to eliminate the transmitter, but considering the vast resources of the Legion of Terror, new stations will likely be up and running almost instantaneously.

"The only long-term solution," suggested Professor Charles Xavier, "is for Americans to begin thinking critically and logically. To that end it is imperative that we strive to better educate America's youth."

PRESIDENT SIGNS HOMELAND SECURITY ACT

Monday, November 25, AMERIKA - The Department of Homeland Security was signed into law Monday as the new $40 billion DHS Cube was being placed into orbit.

The Cube replaces the prototype OHS Star that was being operated on a "trial basis" while the President bullied Congress into approving the bill.

The Cube will employ 170,000 government drones.
The DHS Cube, seen here dwarfing the International Space Station, is now online.

The DHS will begin assimilating 22 federal agencies by March 1, 2003, starting with the Secret Service, Coast Guard, Customs Service, Immigration and Naturalization Service, Transportation Safety Administration and the General Service Administration’s federal protective services. 

The assimilation of the rest of the agencies will be completed by September 30, 2003.

Tom Ridge, the cyborg head of the Homeland Security Department, made a brief appearance on CNN and gave a speech that was shorter than expected: 

"Freedom is irrelevant. Self-determination is irrelevant. You must comply." 

When reporters attempted to ask questions, Ridge concluded the press conference: 

"Negotiation is irrelevant. You will be assimilated."

NewsWire Archive S.H.A.F.T. H.Q.