January - February

Top Stories Collected by the SHAFT Communications Office

2003

DAREDEVIL UNMASKED ON LATE NIGHT TELEVISION

February 6, 2003, NEW YORK - On the Top Ten List of things no one ever expected to see on Late Night With David Letterman, this was number one.

Matt Murdock, the blind New York attorney who rose to national attention after the Daily Globe ran a story "outting" him as Daredevil, had just held a press conference denying the allegations and filed a $400 million lawsuit against the newspaper. He was appearing on Letterman to discuss the media circus his life had become since the story was published, and the audience was anticipating an encore of  the charade in which Murdock portrayed himself as the victim of a cruel hoax.

What they got was an appearance by Daredevil himself. After leaping from the balcony and swinging onto the stage, the costumed superhero somersaulted onto the guest couch.

Already stunned by the acrobatic display, Dave was speechless as Daredevil flashed him a wicked smile, turned to the camera, and removed his cowl, exposing his secret identity on national television. Matt Murdock had finally come clean.

"Aren't you afraid of being disbarred and losing your legal practice?" Dave asked Murdock, regaining his composure.

"You forget, I'm the Man Without Fear. I figured, screw being a lawyer. Controversy sells, and this media frenzy is a golden opportunity. So I'm marketing my Daredevil image full time now. I've got licensing deals with Ray-Ban, Kraft, Nabisco... just wait. In a few weeks my picture will be on every product you buy, and you'll be as sick of me as you are of Spider-Man. And having my secret identity out in the open just makes it easier to cash the checks."

Daredevil's publicity stunt on Letterman was a success, landing him on the cover of TV Guide and the A-list of talk show guests. Elektra Natchios, Murdock's ex-girlfriend from his college days, has been appearing alongside him in interviews as a show of support during his difficult "coming out" period. When asked about their relationship, Elektra told Barbara Walters:

"Behind every great lawyer is an assassin."

FOX TO DEBUT MARVEL SCIENCE THEATER 3000 

February 9, 2003, LOS ANGELES - Reality television took its first giant leap into the final frontier this week when the Fox Network stranded a contestant in orbit high above the Earth.

79-year-old Stan Lee is now the sole human inhabitant of Asteroid M, the abandoned space station that once served as Magneto's base of operations. Lee's only companions are a pair of robots: 

  • Ultron, a psychotic military prototype designed by Dr. Henry Pym during his stint as a SHIELD scientist (just prior to joining The Ultimates), and 
  • H.E.R.B.I.E., one of Dr. Reed Richards' robotic minions that staff the Fantastic Four's Baxter Building.
Stan Lee is best known as the former publisher of Marvel Comics, which has for decades serialized the exploits of the world's real-life superheroes in comic book format. He will soon be taking his place in prime time as the reluctant star of Fox's new series, Marvel Science Theater 3000.

An automated camera system will allow viewers to watch space castaway Lee as he struggles to survive aboard Asteroid M. While this is not exactly breaking new ground for reality TV, the space station does have an additional feature that sets MST3K apart from its competition. Instead of the traditional video confessional booth that has been a staple of the genre since the debut of MTV's The Real World, there is a movie theater in which Stan, Ultron, and Herbie will sit and critique films adapted from Marvel comics.

Current Marvel Comics President Bill Jemas pitched the concept for the show to Fox back in November, shortly after Stan Lee filed a lawsuit against Marvel Comics. 

The suit alleges that ever since the publishing company was infiltrated by Skrulls last year, the shape-shifting aliens have not been giving Lee his cut of the company profits. According to court documents, the Skrull invasion was the result of a portal to the Negative Zone being opened by accident from within the Baxter Building. ("Oops, my bad," admitted Spider-Man in sworn testimony.)

Jemas will be the only other human star of MST3K. His job will be to select movies from the vault in his secret lair beneath Marville and broadcast them at Asteroid M. 

Rumor has it that Jemas' video vault contains enough bad cinema to torture the rest of the cast for many seasons to come, from live-action television series like The Amazing Spider-Man (1978-1979) and The Incredible Hulk (1978-1982); to Made-For-TV movies like Dr. Strange (1978), Captain America and Captain America II: Death Too Soon (1979), The Incredible Hulk Returns (1988), The Trial of the Incredible Hulk (1989), The Death of the Incredible Hulk (1990), Generation X (1992), and Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD (1998); plus a pile of Straight-To-Video clunkers including Captain America (1989), The Punisher (1989), and The Fantastic Four (1993); and the first Marvel Comics property to make it to the big screen, Howard the Duck (1986).

Critics of the show insist that Fox is guilty of numerous ethical violations. "Why do they even refer to Mr. Lee as a contestant?" asks daytime talk show host Patsy Walker. "He's not engaged in any competition, there is no prize for him to win, and we can't even verify that he volunteered for this. This isn't a game so much as an exercise in cruelty."

Calling in to the Patsy Walker Show from the moon, Uatu the Watcher expressed regret over the fate of Stan Lee, but said that he is forbidden to intervene. "However, as it is my solemn duty to observe the events as they unfold on Asteroid M, including the screening of the Marvel movies, I can assure you that I feel his pain."

SUPERMAN JOINS COMMUNIST PARTY, POSES FOR PROPAGANDA POSTER

January 16, 2002, METROPOLIS - Expressing his disillusionment with consumer capitalism, the Man of Steel stirred up a whirlwind of controversy this week when he revealed to the world that he is now a card-carrying communist. The unexpected announcement was timed to coincide with the release of a Communist Party USA propaganda poster featuring a portrait of his new costume.

The Bush Administration is reportedly in shock. Replacing his old motto "Truth, Justice, and the American Way" with the communist slogan "Peace, Land, and Bread" has also gotten the Last Son of Krypton blackballed by some of his superfriends.

"Clark is always behind the times," said Batman, a former teammate of Superman's in the recently disbanded Justice League. "Communism is so 20th Century. Man of Tomorrow my ass." The Dark Knight did admit to being relieved that Superman is no longer a tool of the Establishment, however. "It was such a hassle to have to stockpile kryptonite every time I struck a blow against the government. Now I can focus on other aspects of strategy."

Since the superheroes who once comprised the Justice League joined the anarchist vigilante Batman when he formed the SHAFT resistance cell DK2, Superman is now recruiting members for a new team of metahuman heroes, the Supercomrades, to be headquartered at the fabled Hall of Socialism.

 CAPTAIN AMERICA CRITICIZES WAR ON TERROR

January 27, 2003, NEW YORK - The Sentinel of Liberty ruffled feathers in Washington once again today when he spoke to reporters about the Bush Administration's ongoing response to the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

"The War on Terror should rightly be called the War on Some Terror," stated Captain America. "The government is pursuing terrorists in the Middle East and around the globe, but not here in the United States." 

The star-spangled superhero went on to explain that the Central Intelligence Agency has a long history of committing terrorist acts both at home and abroad, and that the School of the Americas is a terrorist training camp located at Fort Benning, Georgia.

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"Fort Benning is better known as the School of Assassins," Captain America told the assembled press. "When it began to get bad publicity for its connection to assassinations, massacres, and other terrorist activities in Latin America, the Department of Defense changed its name to the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation, or WHISC for short. I thought that was an ironic choice. A whisk is a type of broom, which is appropriate because the purpose of the name change was to sweep the dirty history of the School of the Americas under the rug."

"Until the United States government stops using terrorism to enforce its foreign policy, the so-called War on Terror is a study in hypocrisy."

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