March

Top Stories Collected by the SHAFT Communications Office

2003

MARVEL PUBLISHES ULTIMATE NICK FURY #2

March 24, 2003, NEW YORK - In defiance of good taste, and to the dismay of critics and fans alike, Marvel Comics has released a second issue of the much-maligned Ultimate Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.A.F.T. series.

The New York publisher, best known for serializing the real-life exploits of the world's superhero population in comic book format, has made increasingly erratic business decisions since falling victim to a hostile takeover in 2002 by shape-shifting aliens known as the Skrull.

"If this is the type of crap these extraterrestrials are foisting on unsuspecting Earthlings, I'd hate to see the garbage they must be publishing on their home planet," writes an online reviewer. "I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be? A biopic of government-agent-turned-resistance-leader Nick Fury, or an anarchist manifesto? I know the story is based on actual events, but I refuse to believe that real superheroes behave this way." 

Read the comic for yourself.

The cover of SHAFT #2

CAPTAIN AMERICA: "BUSH IS NOT AMERICA... I'M AMERICA"

March 12, 2003, MOUNT RUSHMORE - Thousands of cheering veterans, anarchists, and anti-war protestors gathered here on Thursday to listen to Captain America set the record straight.

"I am tired of being called anti-American every time I criticize the President and his Administration of Evil," the star-spangled superhero told the crowd. "George W. Bush is not America. I'm America. I've been serving this country since before he was born."

As most everyone is aware, Captain America is a remarkably well-preserved World War II hero. These days he is doing everything in his power to avoid becoming a veteran of World War III.

"After my last mission against the Nazis I was accidentally frozen in ice, where I remained in suspended animation for 57 years. I awoke to find America in the clutches of a regime that had seized power without being voted into office. Now this unelected president is ignoring the will of the American people as he tries to force a war against Iraq, and is buying the support of other countries whose citizens also vocally oppose the war. It is obvious to me that the United States government has become an anti-democratic force in the modern world."

Steve Rogers, the man behind the mask, does not like having his patriotism questioned, an understandable beef for a superhero whose life story is a history of sacrifice for his country. When the United States entered World War II, Steve volunteered for the U.S. military's Super Soldier Program. Transformed into Captain America, he went off to fight the Nazis, leaving behind Gail Richards, the love of his life. Finally returning from the war in 2002, he discovered that Gail and his best friend Bucky Barnes had gotten married and grown old together.

Left: Steve Rogers and Gail Richards together in the 1940s.

Center: Captain America during World War II.

 Right: The photograph that Captain America took with him on every mission.

And although his arrival in the 21st century was initially greeted with much fanfare, he was soon the target of vicious personal attacks and accusations after making the controversial decision to leave the service of the U.S. government and join S.H.A.F.T., Super Heroes for Anarchy and Free Thought.

 SHAFT's founder, the former General Nick Fury, convinced Steve that the only way for him to remain true to his American values was to fight back against the tyranny of the Bush Administration. The transition from government super soldier to anarchist was not an easy one, but once again Captain America was prepared to sacrifice himself for the good of his country.

"As a right-wing nutcase I could have been a pundit on the Fox News network," admits Steve. "Warmongering seems to be a good career move for people in the mainstream media. I could've had my own show." But the agents of SHAFT made sure that never happened.

When it came time to convert Steve, Nick Fury had a secret weapon: the Undercover Brother Formula. Steve claims that while the Super Soldier Serum in his bloodstream prevented the experimental formula altering his body, it did expand his mind.

"I'll never forget the first thing Nick told me when he started trying to recruit me into SHAFT," reminisces Steve. "I kept saying that I was a Super Soldier and that it was my job to follow orders, not to question policy. Finally Nick tells me that after I disappeared and the war ended, the Nazis were put on trial in Nuremberg, and that was the same excuse they used for all of their atrocities. 'Just following orders.' I owe Nick a debt of gratitude. He opened my eyes."

Captain America assured those in attendance that while he had turned his back on the government, he would never turn his back on America.

"It's my duty as the Sentinel of Liberty to fight for freedom and oppose tyranny. That's what America is all about. The current actions of the U.S. government contradict everything this great nation stands for. I cannot stand idly by and watch as George W. Bush transforms American into an oppressive empire."

Speaking from her home in New York, the elderly Gail Richards answered reporters' questions about her opinion of Captain America's new stance. "I don't think it's a coincidence that the symbol of everything good about America -- our individuality, self-reliance, idealism, and fierce independence -- has returned at such a pivotal moment in history to lead us out of the darkness and back into the light."

Captain America seemed encouraged by Gail's support at a time when dissent is very unpopular among certain sections of the population.

"At troubled times like these, when America is poised on the brink of war, those trying to silence the dissenters often use a famous quote from Carl Schurz's speech to the U.S. Senate: 'My country, right or wrong.' Rarely do we hear the rest of the quote: 'if right, to be kept right; if wrong, to be set right.' Bush is following in Hitler's footsteps. I won't see America go the way of Nazi Germany. It's time for us to join together, make our voices heard, and set our country right."

Related article: Captain America Criticizes War on Terror

ALLAHZILLA SPOTTED NEAR IRAQI DESERT

March 13, 2003, KUWAIT - A giant radioactive lizard was sighted on Friday near the Iraqi border by soldiers on patrol in the Kuwaiti desert. 

Cryptozoologists called upon to examine photographs of the creature identified it as Allahzilla, Sheik of the Monsters.

"Allahzilla is the largest specimen on record of an ordinary species of reptile that is indigenous to the Middle East," explained Dr. Druid. "He was mutated by the 40 tons of depleted uranium that was left behind in Iraq and Kuwait after the first Gulf War."

Monster hunters have reported the monstrous mutant lumbering through the deserts of numerous Middle Eastern regions, and dubbed it "Allahzilla" because of its apparent preference for Muslim countries.

Animal behaviorists have warned authorities about the dangers of aggravating the monster with cruise missiles, smart bombs, or tactical nuclear weapons. 

"Any substantial amount of weapons fire will enrage Allahzilla," cautioned Dr. Druid. "And the country that launches the attacks will undoubtedly incur the wrath of the beast. Allahzilla is highly intelligent and capable of tracking his way back to an invading army's homeland and wreaking havoc there. Any citizens who survived the creature's onslaught would then be further terrorized by having to pay for an enormous increase in security and defense spending that, sadly, would not actually make them any safer from future monster attacks."

CTHULHU RETIRES FROM POLITICS IN SHAME

March 14, 2003, MISKATONIC - The campaign staff of the Elder Party's inveterate presidential candidate announced today that Cthulhu will not be running in the 2004 election.

"George W. Bush has undermined our entire campaign platform," complained one staffer, who went on to explain that Cthulhu's presidential campaign slogan has always been, "Why Vote For The Lesser Evil?"

"Ever since Dubya rose to power, the Great Cthulhu is the lesser evil. How could anyone -- or anything -- compete with his vile policies and sinister agendas?"

The announcement came as a great disappointment to all members of the Elder Party, many of whom still remember the day they first heeded the call of Cthulhu to become politically active. 

"I'd always dreamed of the day when we would attend Cthulhu's presidential inauguration and watch proudly as he placed his tentacle on the Necronomicon and took the oath of office. But now I realize it was all just a hallucination." 

There are still Elder Party members who have not abandoned all hope. A committee has been formed to select a new candidate for the 2004 presidential election. 

"We've been working hard to groom Yog-Sothoth for a career in politics. He's certainly made his eldritch presence felt in this country since escaping from his mystical prison within the Pentagon on September 11th. He may not be more terrifying than Bush, but he can surely devour any puny candidates the Democrats offer up."

NewsWire Archive S.H.A.F.T. H.Q.