May

Top Stories Collected by the SHAFT Communications Office

2003

S.H.I.E.L.D. AGENTS TO PLANT WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION IN IRAQ

May 5, 2003, BAGHDAD - Warmongers in America will soon have all the smoking guns they need to justify the recent U.S. invasion of Iraq.

Critics of Operation Iraqi Freedom who claimed that the unprovoked military attack was motivated by American oil interests have felt vindicated by the armed forces' inability to locate any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

But before his disappearance, President George W. Bush always insisted that finding Saddam Hussein's hypothetical cache of banned weapons was a matter of when, not if. It turns out he had every reason to be confident.

The SHIELD Helicarrier hovers over Baghdad.

"Dude, there was never any question of whether weapons of mass destruction would be found in Iraq after the war," explains Daily Bugle reporter Eddie Brock, who has been embedded with a SHIELD covert ops team for weeks. "We dug through the arsenals of every branch of the U.S. military and cherry-picked some of the nastiest stuff ever developed by American weapons programs. Doctoring them up to look like they were built by Iraqis was child's play."

Brock made these revelations on Monday while bragging about his undercover exploits to fellow members of the international press, many of whom had been buying him drinks.

"Man, I love being an in-bed journalist. It creates a perfect symbiotic relationship between the media and the military. And anyone who claims that it affects a reporter's objectivity is just spewing venom. Going on secret missions with SHIELD agents is just the absolute coolest thing I've ever done."

According to Brock, the weapons of mass destruction are aboard the SHIELD Helicarrier and are ready to be delivered to a specially chosen underground site near Baghdad.

When asked whether or not newly-appointed President Beck had authorized the covert operation, he seemed taken aback. "President Beck?" he sneered. "We answer only to the highest authority in the nation: oil company executives."

"O'REILLY FACTOR" HOST ATTACKED BY A-TEAM

May 3, 2003, NEW YORK - Instead of the usual assortment of jeers and rotten vegetables that he normally elicits upon emerging from the Fox News studio, Bill O'Reilly was met on Saturday by a hail of automatic gunfire.

"It was awesome!" shouted one eyewitness when asked to describe the unfolding chaos at the scene.

"The A-Team van came screeching around the corner just as O'Reilly stepped outside. The side door of the van was open, and the guys started firing M-16s at the Fox building. Of course they were firing above head level like they always do, so nobody was injured, but I think Bill's enormous ego was bruised when he dove to the ground and curled up in the fetal position on the sidewalk."
Bill O'Reilly hosts "The O'Reilly Factor" on the Fox News Network, where he has repeatedly attacked peace activists and anti-war protesters, calling them at various times un-American, bad Americans, and enemies of the state.

Members of SHAFT (Super Heroes for Anarchy and Free Thought) have often publicly ridiculed Fox News anchors for being a bunch of right-wing nutjobs whose news analysis is anything but "fair and balanced," but the members of SHAFT's A-Team Cell were the first agents to take direct action against the network.

Their target was the "no-spin zone."

"O'Reilly is nothing but spin," explained John "Hannibal" Smith, the leader of the A-Team. "If anyone criticizes the government or its policies, or takes a stand against its unlawful activities, he says that 'they hate America.' As veterans, we take issue with that. We decided it was time to send a message."

That message came in the form of a quote from one of Hannibal's favorite writers, H.L. Mencken. But we'll let our excited eyewitness continue the tale:
B.A. Baracus: "I pity the fool who calls me anti-American!"
"B.A. brought the van to a stop, and Hannibal jumped out onto the sidewalk where O'Reilly was still curled up in a ball. He yelled 'Face!' and the Faceman climbed out of the back of the van holding a piece of paper. Face started reading to O'Reilly... I don't know what he said, but O'Reilly didn't seem to like it."

Face later told reporters that this was the Mencken quote Hannibal had chosen:

"The notion that a radical is one who hates his country is naive and usually idiotic. He is, more likely, one who loves his country more than the rest of us, and is thus more disturbed than the rest of us when he sees it debauched. He is not a bad citizen turning to crime; he is a good citizen driven to despair."

As the A-Team made a hasty getaway, SHAFT Agent H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock hung out of the back of the van screaming, "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" at the traumatized O'Reilly.

In other news...

In his latest attempt to help mutants integrate into human society, Professor Charles Xavier has invented a device that can be worn on the wrist like a watch and programmed to project a holographic image around the wearer. The personal hologram projector enables mutants who cannot normally pass for human (above, left) to electronically cloak themselves in a holographic disguise. The device is still in the experimental stages, and has been known to malfunction, as when Kurt Wagner (above, right) inexplicably found himself wearing a bluejean skirt and vest in public.

The next generation of SHAFT agents is being trained by a mysterious bulletproof Tibetan Buddhist monk with no name. Shown here instructing new SHAFT recruit Steve Stifler in the ways of Kung-Fu, the monk is rumored to spend his nights instructing Stifler's mom in the ways of Tantric sex. (AP Photo)

In the wake of its ill-fated raid on the Xavier Institute for Gifted Children, the Department of Homeland Security has announced numerous job vacancies to be filled. Expecting President Beck to institute major budget cuts, the Department of Homeland Security was attempting to prove its worth on Friday by launching the raid on the school, claiming the compound contained mutant enemy combatants and superhuman weapons of mass destruction. The surviving agents are now massed outside the gates of the school in a standoff that many are comparing to the Waco debacle. It is not known how many teachers and students remain inside. Former attorney general Janet Reno has recommended that the Xavier Institute be burned to the ground, "for the sake of the children." (Reuters)

2004 Presidential Candidate Jed Bartlett said in a press conference Wednesday that he has no idea what happened to former President George W. Bush, who has been missing since SHAFT agents stormed the White House in April. 

"Only Nick Fury knows for sure," said Bartlett, who is quick to point out that the country is far better off with President Beck in charge. "Of course that won't keep me from running against him in the next election."

Bartlett has never shied away from publicly expressing his opinion of President Bush.

In 2001 he was quoted as saying, "George W. Bush is like a bad comic working the crowd, a moron, if you'll pardon the expression."

During Operation Iraqi Freedom, when dissent and criticism of Bush was strongly suppressed, Bartlett often spoke out at anti-war demonstrations.

"A lot of people have been silenced for a long time but that is ending," he said. "We are telling the world that we are patriotic Americans but we do not support going to war with Iraq. From this time forth, may all our thoughts and deeds be a non-violent response to violence," Bartlett told a cheering crowd.

NewsWire Archive S.H.A.F.T. H.Q.