November 2004 Archive

S.H.A.F.T. AGENTS ADVISORY: SEVERE RISK OF SUPERVILLAIN ATTACK

BACKGROUND: The Bush Dynasty has menaced humanity for decades, providing military and financial support to both Adolf Hitler's Germany and Saddam Hussein's Iraq. In 1988, George Bush the First transformed into the supervillain President Evil and turned on Hussein, his former ally in the Middle East. Unable to depose the Iraqi dictator, President Evil was later avenged by his son after an illegal coup within the United States government established George Bush the Second as President Evil 2. 

Earth's superheroes rebelled against President Evil 2's tyranny and brought about a regime change in Washington, DC. President Evil 2 disappeared and was presumed dead by most of Earth's populace, although SHAFT would never officially confirm or deny his death. He was not seen again until he resurfaced in November 2004 to once again thwart American democracy and fraudulently declare himself ruler of the free world.

STATUS REPORT: President Evil: Apocalypse's rise to power has ushered in a new Dark Age and plunged America into a dystopian nightmare. Senators who rose to power along with him declared unwed pregnant women and gays unfit to be schoolteachers, assigned the death penalty to abortion doctors, and established mandatory prayer in public schools. Apocalypse's minions immediately seized control of the White House, the Senate, the House of Representatives, and the Supreme Court, and same-sex marriages were soon banned across the country. Citizens are bracing themselves for four more years of senseless wars, erosion of civil liberties, and increasing poverty as the President gears up to bankrupt America financially, morally, and intellectually.

President Evil: Apocalypse's reanimation and renewed reign of terror evidently did not come without a price, however. Human sacrifices have already begun. Stormtrooper Ashcroft and Colin Powell of the Ultimate Masters of Evil were among the first to be ritually slaughtered, and there will obviously be more deaths to come.

For more background information:  THE ROGUE'S GALLERY  The All-New Terrorist Evil-Doers Trading Cards

In other news: Moon Knight Unmasked No One Cares

EMERGENCY SUPERHERO RELOCATION PROGRAM INITIATED

SHAFT Agents Urged to Evacuate the Country Immediately

November 12, 2004 - In the wake of last week's political disaster that once again left the U.S. in the clutches of George W. Bush, a.k.a. "Ultimate Dubya" and "President Evil: Apocalypse," America's superhero population has been making a collective run for the border. Ultimate Nick Fury has recommended that all U.S.-based SHAFT Agents take up temporary residence in less hostile nations until the organization has a chance to regroup and plan a counteroffensive. 

Alpha Flight, Canada's premier superhero team, has offered team membership and Canadian citizenship to any American superheroes wishing to expatriate. Northstar, an Alpha Flight member and Canada's first openly gay mutant, is particularly sensitive to the plight of America's oppressed minorities.

"It's no longer safe to be seen as being outside the mainstream in the States," Northstar told The Vancouver Sun. "Having a Christian Fundamentalist Theocracy in power makes for a very dangerous political and social climate. I'm sure all of the rational and intelligent people in America are feeling quite disenfranchised about now, and to them we offer Canada as a safe haven."

However, some SHAFT Agents have expressed concerns that Canada is not far enough away from Washington, DC to be truly secure. For them, Le Peregrine, France's high-flying martial artist, offers another option. He is actively recruiting new blood for the French Foreign Legion of Super-Heroes. 

"If enough Yanks join, we'll consider changing our name to the Freedom Foreign Legion of Super-Heroes," Le Peregrine said.

Researchers at Banner Labs have issued an Emergency Alert for all SHAFT Agents operating in the continental United States. Responding to the bizarre behavior that has been reported throughout the country, they have managed to identify a man-made viral strain that has been infecting American citizens at an alarming rate.

Believed to be a variation of the Rage virus that swept through the UK in 2002, this new strain, which has been designated Hate, attacks the higher brain functions of those infected, seriously impairing judgement, increasing susceptibility to deception, disinformation, and fraud, and altering the personality in disturbing ways. It is not yet known how the virus is transmitted from person to person, but the primary theories being tested include airborne transmission, bodily fluids, and vicious bites from those already infected.

Infected persons can be identified in the following ways: they tend to congregate in mobs, cling to delusional perceptions of reality, desperately defend gross distortions of the truth, and violently resist the introduction of facts into any verbal exchange. They are prone to violence, bigotry, jingoism, and self-destruction.

Any SHAFT agents who have not yet heeded last week's general advisory to leave the country should consult the geographical contamination map below. While there have been no reported incidents of an agent of SHAFT contracting the virus, immunity is not guaranteed. Agents should protect themselves from possible infection and be on guard against concerted physical attacks from roaming bands of those already contaminated.