NICK FURY CALLS FOR REGIME CHANGE
| Saturday,
August 24 - NEW YORK
Nick
Fury, the Ultimates, and an undisclosed number of SHAFT agents gathered in
New York last night to attend a rally commemorating the 75th anniversary of
the wrongful executions of the famous anarchists Nicola Sacco and
Bartolomeo Vanzetti.
Fury, who is quickly becoming a folk hero among American anarchists
after successfully convincing Earth's mightiest heroes to join Super
Heroes for Anarchy and Free Thought, was asked to say a few words.
"I consider it a matter of synchronicity that SHAFT was founded
this summer, 75 years after Sacco and Vanzetti's executions. We are
pursuing the same dream that inspired these two Italian immigrants: a free
society in which people can live without fear of oppression from a
violent, racist, and imperialistic government."
When the applause died down, a voice called out from the crowd asking
what could be done to keep the world from plunging into darkness,
barbarism, and possibly even nuclear holocaust.
"Personally," he replied, "I would recommend a regime
change."
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When the cheering died down, Fury continued. "If the Bush junta is
allowed to remain in power and continue their perpetual 'war on terrorism,'
there is no limit to the devastation that could be inflicted on a global scale.
These madmen are planning to launch a preemptive nuclear strike against Iraq,
for Christ's sake."
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Asked to elaborate, Fury explained
that the US military has developed what they call "bunker
busters" -- five kiloton nuclear missiles designed to destroy
fortified underground targets. Although they are referred to
euphemistically as "mini nukes," these "Robust Nuclear
Earth Penetrators" have a one-mile blast radius and would cause death
and destruction roughly equivalent to the 13-kiloton bomb that the US
dropped on Hiroshima.
"Dubya wants to invade Iraq and depose Saddam Hussein -- something
his daddy failed to do, and that 11 years of steady bombing of Iraq by the
US hasn't accomplished -- using the excuse that Iraq has 'weapons of mass
destruction' -- which his daddy sold them."
Fury stated that the president's motives are transparently obvious. |
Arch-Supervillain President
Evil 2 threatens to use his heat vision to carve his face onto Mount
Rushmore if the Senate does not approve his plan to obliterate Iraq.
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"The terrorist attacks on September 11 were the best thing that ever
happened to Dubya. In the eyes of many Americans, he went from being a complete
moron to a national hero overnight. Now that his approval ratings have taken a
dive, thanks to the Enron scandal the falling stock market, Dubya needs a new
war to boost his image. And it goes without saying that the US oil industry
wants to seize complete control of Iraq's oil reserves."
Fury was then asked if he thought president-in-exile Al Gore should be Bush's
replacement.
"I have no delusions about the man this country elected as president
before the Supreme Court enabled the Bush regime to seize power. Gore would have
taken his rightful place as POTUS of the Legion
of Terror, just as Dubya did. So while I have no doubt that the Gore
administration would have been criminal, it might have been preferable to
the Bush administration simply by virtue of not being criminally insane."
Fury stated that it essentially was a choice between Bush's evil influence
and Gore's alien influence. Some rally attendees seemed confused by the
comparison.
| "Wake up, people. Al Gore is a Skrull. Don't act
surprised. Anyone who's ever watched him for five minutes can tell you
he's not human. And only an extraterrestrial shapeshifter could reinvent
himself as often as Gore. Jesus, isn't it obvious?" An excited
murmuring emanated from the crowd, as if a final puzzle piece had fallen
into place. |
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"Do the math. A Skrull spacecraft crashed in Roswell, New Mexico in
July, 1947, triggering a massive government cover-up. Nine months later, Al Gore
was born in Washington, DC on March 31, 1948. Can you say 'Alien Breeding
Experiment'?"
After confirming that SHIELD has
extensive files on Gore's role in the Skrull's alien agenda, Fury was asked by a
teenage girl whether he was endangering his life by routinely divulging
classified information that he obtained as director of the agency. This resulted
in a spate of laughter from the assembled Ultimates, and a grinning Tony Stark
stepped forward to field the question.
"You shouldn't worry your pretty little head about that. There are three
good reasons why Nick's life isn't at risk. First, he lives in a fortified
orbital space station. Second, he's protected by a Who's Who list of superheroes
and mutants. Third, and most importantly, because..." Stark paused and
turned to the rest of the Ultimates, who chimed in, "...he's one bad
motherfucker!"
Reclaiming control of the microphone, Fury stressed that it is not a question
of if the Bush administration will attack Iraq, but when.
"By mid-October, the Air Force will have three expeditionary wings ready
for combat in Iraq, and there will be 20,000 Marines deployed in the area. This
would seem to indicate that the US will go to war with Iraq in October. Yet Condo
has denied this, assuring Americans that the president would not stoop to an 'October
Surprise' to prevent the Republican Party from losing control of Congress in
the November elections.
"So, if the war does begin in October, the interesting thing to see will
be how Condo, or that little prick Ari Fleischer, justifies it. Hopefully the
justification won't be as catastrophic as the one they used for the War
in Afghanistan. The US government planned for years to get the Taliban out
of the way, and by June of 2001 had already arranged for India and Iran to
facilitate a joint US-Russian military action in Afghanistan. September 11 just
provided the Pearl Harbor they needed to get the public's support.
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"The question is, will we have another Pearl Harbor
before October? Will there be another atrocity committed on the
anniversary of September 11, so that American citizens will be looking for
revenge against Iraq? Something to make everyone forget the promise of 'no
October surprise' and then rally behind the president again? Make him
politically untouchable again?"
Fury paused for a moment to let his words sink in. "It might not
happen. After the invasion force is deployed in October, they may sit
tight until the November elections are over. Wait to kick off the war
until it's closer to time for Dubya's re-election campaign. Either way,
you can be sure that Bush regime will do everything in its power to make
this war happen, no matter how much opposition there is to it at home and
abroad. They've been building toward for it too long, working to hard to
make everyone believe that Saddam Hussein is the reincarnation of Adolf
Hitler. They can't back down now. They've established their new villain.
They can't very well look like heroes if they don't take him down." |
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