ZILLAGATE

July 12, NEW YORK – The Deputy Director of SHIELD, Timothy “Dum Dum” Dugan, is being swept into a controversy in New York involving liability for property damage caused by Godzilla’s most recent rampage on Manhattan Island.  

Damage Control, a Manhattan-based construction company, is set to begin restoration, but there is contention about who should have to pay the repair bill.  The damaged buildings are covered by Extraordinary Activity Assurance policies, which most New Yorkers simply refer to as Superhero Insurance.  But the McDuffie Insurance Company is not willing to cover Godzilla’s swath of destruction, insisting that the ongoing threat posed by the monster is the fault of SHIELD. 

Decades ago, when Godzilla first arrived on American shores, SHIELD was charged with the responsibility of capturing or destroying him.  Officer Dugan was placed in command of SHIELD’s Godzilla Squad, but after pursuing the creature for months as part of an operation that cost taxpayers billions of dollars, he allowed Godzilla to escape into the Atlantic Ocean.

More recently, Godzilla was captured and mutated by global terrorist Dr. Demonicus, who planned to use him as a weapon against SHIELD’s new team of super-powered Ultimates.  Billionaire playboy Tony Stark used the Stark Industries Iron Man Armor to free the monster from Demonicus’ control, but again allowed him to escape.

McDuffie Insurance now claims that Godzilla’s recent attack on New York, which was apparently motivated by spawning instincts, was a direct result of the government’s failure to deal with the hazard posed by the radioactive monster in the first place.  They further speculate that the majority of the damage done to the city was caused by the military’s botched attacks on the beast, rather than by Godzilla himself.   

Top executives at the insurance company allege that classified SHIELD documents reveal the agency’s attempts to cover up the debacle and to reward Dugan with a promotion to Deputy Director.

Deputy Director Dugan has been unavailable for comment, as he seems to be more interested in Spin Control than Damage Control since his mentor and one-time commanding officer Nick Fury left SHIELD to head up the insurrectionist movement calling itself SHAFT.

According to insurance claim estimators familiar with Extraordinary Activity Assurance policies, Godzilla's Manhattan Island hopping was the most expensive monster attack on New York City since those by the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man in 1984 and King Kong in 1976.  

“What is this, Monster Mecca?” asked one exasperated property owner. “Does every super-sized creature on the planet have to make a pilgrimage here before they die?”

Did you know? Before resurfacing in New York, the metamorphosed Godzilla shut down production of Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich’s “Devil Dinosaur” movie by trashing the set and attacking the animatronic lead character.

When the armed forces were unable to stop Godzilla’s assault on NYC, the situation looked bleak until the monster made a critical error.

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Stranded downtown, and trapped by debris in a paint & body shop, the A-Team hastily assembled a giant robot from spare auto parts.  The robot drove Godzilla back out to sea, and by the time the roads leading into and out of the city were re-opened, B.A. Baracus had his van in peak condition again.  

B.A. immediately received a job offer from Stark International, which he agreed to take as long as company business would never require him to fly. 

Under the control of H.M. Murdock, “Mecha-Godzilla” has gone on to become the reigning “Battlebots” champion.

Their commanding officer, retired Colonel John “Hannibal” Smith, was quoted as saying, “I love it when a plan comes together.”

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A growing Ultimates population and an increasing frequency of monster attacks might be making insurance rates soar on the island of Manhattan, but in Westchester, NY, premiums are at an all-time low since the X-Men and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants found a new way to settle their differences.

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